…that has the ability to shatter my soul.
I don’t know if it’s the slant of the rays, or the flicker of gold and amber, or the way it bends and refracts at the exact angle of my memories...
…but somehow, in some peculiar way, the light illuminates the deepest parts of my heart…
It twists and turns down the paths of my mind I had thought camouflaged by smiles and a cheerful demeanor.
Like a pain seeking missile, it navigates the hidden recesses that I’ve carefully insulated with theory and philosophy so that tenderest, most vulnerable broken shards and shatters of my being, are alight and raw.
That cursed late winter light creeps past the brick and mortar walls I’ve constructed so carefully and liberates fragments and slivers of raw pain and remembrance.
I feel surrounded by a miasma of dissappointment, rejection, and failed expectations.
Ahhh. The protection of self is a good thing. It cushions the corners of ugly, sharp self-awareness.
I pull off the road and park my truck, tears clouding my vision so I am unable to see beyond the immediacy of old wounds, ripped and bleeding.
I cry for a long time.
And, finally, rescued by a crumpled fast food napkin crammed into the center console, I am able to dry my tears and blow my nose.
I shake my head at the power and intensity of sadness.
I drive on.
Praying for the darkness.
So I can begin the ordered repair of professional denial management.
Or I wonder if I am really praying for the light so I can simply pretend that everything is happy/happy/joy/joy.
Both light and dark will help my quest for peace I suspect.
In the interim, however, I am hoping for anything but this particular slant of late winter night that has the ability to shatter my soul.
PS. I know I haven't been writing in a long time. Sorry to be all deep and broody when I finally get back to it. I've often given people advice that sometimes writing begins the healing. I'm taking my own advice here by sharing these deep thoughts with you.
PPS. I'll be back tomorrow with Alphabe-Thursday AND I may even attempt to paint something this week. Go. Me!